Hills test

Sometimes you need to do a hills test. And you fail. The car rolls back and you start to freak out.

It has been a few weeks again since I posted my previous blog about the loss of our daughter Tessa (you can read it here). I was so pleased to have posted the blogpost. It hadn’t been an easy post to write so I was happy to have completed it. Then, suddenly, five days afterwards, my sister phoned to tell me she had had a miscarriage….

Isn’t that ironic

a little too ironic

yeah I really do think.

It came as a complete shock to us of course. We already planned our trip to go and see her with the new baby this coming summer. I found it difficult to stomach the news as I had just posted about the loss of our baby, not knowing I would be writing to comfort my very own sister. It all felt surreal. And I am still living in another country to my sister so couldn’t just pop over to hold her in her grief.

They are slowly recovering physically and grieving the loss of their little boy but I needed to take some time as well to process this. See, being a christian doesn’t mean you don’t go through hard times and that nothing bad will happen to you or your loved ones. And it certainly doesn’t mean that if you blog about God that you don’t get knocked back yourself.

This is what Jesus has to say about it:

And everything I’ve taught you is so that the peace which is in Me will be in you and will give you great confidence as you rest in Me. For in this unbelieving world you will experience trouble and sorrows, but you must be courageous, for I have conquered the world!”

John 16:33 The Passion Translation

In the seasons when I don’t understand what’s going on, I can only hold on and keep singing. Sing my way out of my confusion and my questions, or sometimes just keep praising God despite the doubt and the questions. Keep believing. And know that His peace will come when I do just that.

There’s a song I really like to sing along to. It’s by Bryan & Katie Torwalt. Here’s a bit of the song:

Peace, be still
Calm this soul
I need You here now
Restore my hope

I confess
I’ve been afraid
Remind my heart, Lord
Increase my faith

So I will run into the waves as courage comes to take fear’s place with perfect love, perfect love.

Nothing can take away my hallelujah. Shadows will fade, darkness will break. I’ll keep on singing Your praise.

for more lyrics click here: My Halleluja – Brian & Katie Torwalt

As I was grieving the loss of my nephew and being upset about what had happened to my sister and brother in-law I also experienced the love of Father God in the small things. I am still on a journey learning to rely on this perfect Love. When our faith gets knocked back we need to keep trusting in that He is a good God. He always is good, even when I don’t see it.


I went to see a ballet with my daughter for her 10th birthday. It had been awhile since I had been anywhere new by myself. My husband was taking care of the children and I was apprehensive (read: scared) about the drive and getting to the theatre on time.

For many this may seem like a normal thing but when you spend a lot of your time at home caring for little ones, to step out of the comfort zone of your own house and the weekly shop routine, going out can become a big thing. I had decided it would be fun to go and not to listen to my fear of driving somewhere new. I would do it for my daughter. Show her that when we are anxious it’s not a reasons to shrink back.

First up was to find parking. I’m not a bad driver (if I may say so haha) but somehow that day I wasn’t on it as much. We needed to drive up between the first and second floor to find parking in the very busy multi-storey car park (or parking garage) when the car in front of me took way too much time and suddenly stopped at the top of the slope so I found myself being stuck on the slope between the 2 floors with the car stalling. Of course I couldn’t remember (panic!) how to do the hills start! The car kept stalling and started to roll down the slope towards the car behind! (insert swear word!) Luckily the driver behind me had anticipated me not making it up (very sensible woman!) and had left space for me to reverse and try again but fair to say my heart was racing, also because my husband had had a car accident in December and we couldn’t afford another car crash with our newly bought second-hand car! Heart racing and palms sweating.

Finally made it up in one piece and found ourselves the narrowest of parking spaces. Running late by now, I managed to squeeze out of the front seat with millimeters left on either side…(Pfewh…note to self: I really do have to get out of the house more often so I don’t forget how to drive and park!).

Made it to the ballet on time and after unwinding for the first half hour started to really enjoy it. The ballet was amazing and my daughter thoroughly loved it.

Kindness of a stranger

But then of course…

We needed to pay for the parking, and as it is 2020 I thought I could pay by card. I had checked beforehand but the website of the theatre had not indicated you could only pay by cash! Dare I say anything about the English being a bit stuck in time with their parking…(sorry Brits!)

I couldn’t pay by card. I had no cash. No cash machine in sight. It was cold (because we left our coats in the car to avoid dragging them into the theatre) and my phone had no internet. Just great! Now what? (great planning on my behalf of course)

I started to look around for a solution and asked the gentlemen behind me in the queue if he knew if we could pay by card or cash only. He luckily had some cash on him and then very kindly paid for my parking! Such a nice thing to do. I really sensed God’s kindness on us as we walked back to the car to drive home.

Such a small gesture but I felt it was gesture from a good God who has my back when I least expect it. Fear had tried to creep in and steal the happy moment with my daughter but it had failed.

Sometimes you need to do a hills test. You fail, but God knows that would happen, and doesn’t judge your driving (or planning) skills but instead provides help in time of need. Because we don’t have to have it all together to proclaim that our God is good all the time. Even when we freak out, He is faithful and it’s that faithfulness that will make sure nothing can take our Hallelujah.

Have a hope filled day!

2 thoughts on “Hills test

  1. Heb weer van je blog genoten ondanks wat verdrietige ervaringen die je hebt gehad.
    Maar Jezus was er elke keer weer toen je hem nodig had .Prijs God.


  2. Opnieuw een prachtige blog over wat je meemaakt en dat je de moed hebt hier anderen deelgenoot van te laten zijn. Alleen ervaringsdeskundigen hebben recht van spreken als het om de echte dingen van het leven gaat. Mooi dat we jou zien groeien door de moeilijke momenten van het leven. God bless! Veel liefs van Cor en Janneke


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